Holiday reflections on apologies, forgiveness, & repair
As we enter deeper into the holiday season, I’ve been thinking a lot about this time of year. As beautiful as it can be, sometimes it brings its share of conflict, tension, and old wounds resurfacing. Something about gathering with family, old familial roles and dynamics arising, and navigating differing expectations oftentimes brings unresolved things to the surface.
It can feel overwhelming and be tough! ❤️🩹
Lately, as a millennial, I’ve really been reflecting on three things that haven’t really been modeled well for us and we don’t often talk about enough: apologies, repair, and forgiveness.
As kids, many of us learned that apologies follow this simple step-by-step process:
An adult tells you to say “sorry” to your sibling or another child.
You say it, even if you don’t mean it…
The other child is told to say “I forgive you.”
And then everyone is expected to make up and “move on” (at least on the outside)
That’s the model many of us learned and internalized. But in my work, and especially during the holiday season, I’ve seen from clients, friends, and online how inadequate that framework really is. It doesn’t really specifically address the hurt or harm done and doesn’t actually make anyone reflect on what they are apologizing for and therefore what the other person is specifically forgiving. I’ve observed there’s always a question about how genuine and sincere the apology is, and people feel forced to have to forgive before they feel ready to do that or before true accountability happens.
What’s a genuine apology?
A genuine apology, however, requires honesty, remorse, and some understanding of the harm caused. It’s more than a quick “sorry”, it’s an act of accountability. And many of us never received good modeling for that. Just check out my most recent IG post where I start to dive into that.
Over the years, I’ve learned from folks who beautifully articulate what healthier apology and repair can look like. Several years ago, the first time I saw how to apologize online was when my former pastor, Duke Kwon, shared a meaningful framework on how to apologize. More recently, I’ve been reading and reflecting on the work of Christabel Mintah-Galloway, who teaches workshops and has workbooks about relational skills and relational repair.
Their insights along with other clinicians I follow online have been especially grounding this season. Here’s a few that have stayed with me that I think you may find helpful:
Repair accepts responsibility then changes behavior specifically - an apology is only a first step to repair, but listening to the person who was hurt to understand what the harm was and then reflecting on specific changes to behaviors and doing these actions consistently over time are some additional steps
Repair is not owed - repair does not mean quickly forgive and forget, it’s a process. When harm happens, it may take time for the person who was hurt to understand what they need and want to repair, if at all. The person who was hurt is not obligated to repair or re-engage, especially in cases of abuse.
Repair and reconciliation are not the same - repair is about addressing the harm. Reconciliation is about rebuilding a relationship. Repair does not always guarantee reconciliation.
These distinctions matter especially during the holidays, when pressure to “keep the peace” can overshadow our deeper needs for safety and truth.
The role of forgiveness
This past year has also reshaped my understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness is often talked about as something we give someone else, but I’m learning that it is a personal process and is a self-caring act of liberation for you to release hurt feelings or resentment and allow you to heal.
It doesn’t excuse or condone hurtful behavior.
It doesn’t mean you have to forget those actions either.
It doesn’t require reconciliation (or rebuilding or staying in that relationship).
At its heart, forgiveness invites us to loosen our grip on the anger or emotional weight we’ve been carrying–not for someone else’s comfort, but for our own freedom.
If this season is stirring things up in you (old frustrations, fresh conflicts, or unresolved tensions) I hope these reflections give you language, self-compassion, and gentleness for navigating them.
You deserve spaciousness, safety, and peace, even in the midst of navigating the complexities of the holidays.✨