How to give yourself the space to grieve
Grief looks different for each person - some people acknowledge it right away, some people never address it, some people need support from a professional or loved one, and some people want to grieve solo. The list is long. As you can see, my friend, it varies because we're all different.
When I began my grief journey, I was so focused on trying to process my grief to keep it uncomplicated. A professional once said to me, “it's important to process your grief…some people will try to avoid it until one day they… turn their anger onto everyone in their lives… they look back and surprise themselves…not realizing it's unprocessed grief.”
So the key is to acknowledge your grief - name it, recognize it, and know that avoiding it or burying it will not make it better.
Grief pops up consciously, but also unconsciously too. And if grief is not given the space to be unpacked and processed, then it can derail your whole day, week, or even year. (sorry to sound intense but it's true and I don't want to lie to you!).
I think what people don't realize with grief is that your brain actually changes and is rewired due to grief. We don't actually function too well to be honest - because your routines, associations, and daily rhythms change, your brain tries to adjust to the loss of your loved one and everything that is associated with them. That's a lot of change for your brain to manage which is why brain fog is a common experience for people who grieve - your brain feels foggy because grief can disrupt the brain's cognitive functions, leading to memory problems, difficulty paying attention, and even changes in how you talk.
And so because we're people who are complex, layered, and not at all the same, here's a few common things that I do see with grief:
Disenfranchised grief: this is when you have unacknowledged or invalidated grief. I see this quite a bit when the grief is not recognized or considered socially significant, important “enough”, or when the cause of death is stigmatized or taboo (for example, when you are grieving something for “too long” or the loss of your pet).
Cumulative grief (also known as compounded or prolonged grief): this is when someone experiences multiple losses or significant life changes within a short period, thus making it harder to cope because of the combined emotional toll. It's hard to catch up and process because there's different things to grieve about that are all happening at the same time (for example, grieving the death of a parent and the surviving parent wanting to donate all their clothes to “move on” a month later).
Spiritual bypassing: this is when someone uses spiritual or religious ideas to avoid or bypass the discomfort they feel with your loss/grief (like saying “they're with God now, so there's no point in being upset since we should be happy for them”). Yikes. The intention may be trying to be encouraging, but as you can see, it isn't encouraging when someone projects their own discomfort onto you and centers their discomfort instead of meeting you where you're at. While we see this a lot with trauma and mental health in general, it's especially common with grief.
These things are important to know because they can fracture relationships. Sometimes they can lead to further hurt, which means you may need to set more boundaries; other times, it means understanding where others are in their grief and being curious and kind.
So take your time and get curious when you try to meet people where they are at with their grief. And if you're the one grieving, consider that everyone's process is different. It takes time to figure out what your grief and healing look like.